Last night, before I went to my Pan and Brid altar to pray, I prayed at my Ancestor Altar and said, "I don't always feel you. Please don't forget about me. I haven't forgotten about you."
An hour later, a text message from a friend arrived. "A message from your angel guides: You shine brighter than even you know. :-) and your good deeds are well noted. Sleep well dear blessed Courtney and know you are deeply loved."
I went to sleep happy.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Today is a good day. ;)
I was interviewed this morning for a book a very nice woman is writing on the Craft. It was great fun. Her eye-opening moments, connecting with me on shared experiences. "Prophetic dreams? Yeah!" "Spirits coming in the middle of the night? Totally!" "Some kind of kinetic connection to being the first born daughter? Me too!!!" It took me back to the early days in the Craft when I was discovering everything and giddy with the same intoxication the Born-agains spout. I think it's important in the paths of all clergy, go back to the romantic, moonlit beginnings of your time in the Craft. It's quite easy to get mulled in Witch politics, scheduling stuff, reading books and defending yourself at holiday get togethers with the fam. (By the way-- this week I've had to add "Seducing Husbands 30 Years My Senior" and "Plotting and Magickally Strategizing to End Relationships As A Way To Gain Power" to the most recent list of things that I'm "guilty" of. Frankly, I had no idea I was up to these things. *sigh.*)
Meeting her was refreshing. I was back in my parents' yard, summoning a nameless Moon Goddess, who appeared before my very sober eyes, and embracing Her light again. I don't know when I strayed from what I started on, but I hope She doesn't leave me behind again, or me leave Her behind, either.
I don't know if I'm a good leader--but I figure I must not be a bad leader. I just have to remember that this Group was given to me as a job--for now. I'm providing a place for people to worship their Gods and Goddesses, and find community with like-minded others. If I provide that, even if I'm not sure if I'm good, I know I'm not bad. And as a Witch I know there is never a good or bad, but varying degrees of both.
The rest of the day I spent in the park with my goddaughters and Bella. An old-timey Christian group sang hymns on a large stage. I requested "Hoof and Horn," but they didn't play it. I then went to see "9" with Jorge. We both liked it. It was a good day.
Meeting her was refreshing. I was back in my parents' yard, summoning a nameless Moon Goddess, who appeared before my very sober eyes, and embracing Her light again. I don't know when I strayed from what I started on, but I hope She doesn't leave me behind again, or me leave Her behind, either.
I don't know if I'm a good leader--but I figure I must not be a bad leader. I just have to remember that this Group was given to me as a job--for now. I'm providing a place for people to worship their Gods and Goddesses, and find community with like-minded others. If I provide that, even if I'm not sure if I'm good, I know I'm not bad. And as a Witch I know there is never a good or bad, but varying degrees of both.
The rest of the day I spent in the park with my goddaughters and Bella. An old-timey Christian group sang hymns on a large stage. I requested "Hoof and Horn," but they didn't play it. I then went to see "9" with Jorge. We both liked it. It was a good day.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
How we handle things.....
Not saying this is the ONLY way to ask someone to leave, but it might be the better of the way to go.
I'm quite drained right now--had two Tarot gigs two nights in a row, plus working all day at the day job yesterday, and really need to go pull me back together before heading out into the Supportive Friend world this evening, which is bound to be much delight and debauchery. :)
Anyway, at the conclusion of my goddaughters' Wiccaning, there was an incident involving a volatile tantrum by one of our members that ended with me turning to the HP and our other Group members and declaring, "She's done. She doesn't come back." A week ago, I would have told you that sort of declaration is WRONG and dismissal of a member involves a consensus and much discussion. But no one argued with me or asked me to take time to reconsider. In fact, one person present said later she was glad there was no discussion on it. The tantrum was of a nature that was frightening to people present, and it wasn't the first time it had erupted from this individual.
The first time I dismissed someone, I wrote a stern and rather harsh letter which I imagine truly hurt her to read. At the time, it seemed right. At this time, I know my words came from a place of hurt and anger. In this most recent dismissal, I worked harder to use gentler words. The point of the action was the most important--not "how" it was done.
Sometimes, we get so hung up on making our point, saying the words we believe others deserve, that we don't ever just get the fucking job done. The Gods have often told me, "Keep your rituals simple. Stick to the point. Get it done. And...have fun." There isn't a whole lot of fun to be had in a dismissal, but instead of ranting over the reasons as to WHY this person needed to go, I simply tried to stick to the point of THAT she needed to. Here's what I wrote, followed by what I got back:
Hi F,
It truly was an unfortunate end to what otherwise was a beautiful weekend. You made an excellent representation of Ghob and I was thankful to have you along. Perhaps you are right and physical handicaps were not given sufficient consideration when planning our trip back. If it indeed would have been easier for you to take Metro-North back from New Haven, we certainly would have made that happen. I clearly did not adequately communicate the group's travel plans upon getting back to New York. I did not ask Birdie to drop me off, I was planning on riding back with her to Jersey City and then taking the trains back to my place, but she offered to stop by Inwood as it's relatively on the way to the Holland Tunnel from Spanish Harlem--a quick stop off the Harlem River Drive. Perhaps we should have had a meeting before hitting the road to make sure all needs were met. There are numerous ways this could have been handled differently.
I'm sorry you feel as though this Group has a dictator and that you do not feel comfortable responding to it. I think, however, there is a bigger movement going on here than simply a disagreement about who should have driven where. Many of these kinds of situations are brought about when a change needs to be made.
I've reflected on this quite deeply and I'm wondering if this all came about because your true Pantheon--Jesus, the Blessed Mother and the Holy Spirit--may be calling you home. I am aware of your wounded past with the Church, but the situation on Monday may have been an abrupt signal that perhaps it is time to re-establish your relationship with your Gods. Novices of the Old Ways was designed with the intent of helping people find their true path in life. I strongly encourage you to reflect on the reason this situation arose and see if perhaps you agree with me in my assessment. It may merely be a sign that your soul belongs on a different path. I think it's time you "went home." :)
You have been a marvelous contribution to our Group during your practice with us. Most certainly, Ghob selected you to be His vessel at the Wiccaning. No one there could have disagreed with that. Now, I'm encouraging you to take what you've learned from us and forge your new path.
I've spoken with Hank in superficial detail about this and he asked me to let you know that he would be more than happy to help find you an open-minded Christian fellowship in New York City--one that could help you not only forge your relationship with Jesus and Mary again, but also heal the wounds you've suffered from your past dealings with the Church hierarchy. He is expecting your email.
I also invite you to call upon me one-on-one to discuss your spiritual needs as they arise. I love you very much and want you to heal and embrace the all the light this beautiful world has to offer. You are a talented, bright and extremely special person whom I am privileged to know.
May the Gods and your Ancestors shine brightly on your path, so no shadows augment your way. :)
Blessed be,
Courtney
(From F)
I wanted to apologize on Tuesday.
Thank you.
I have been unable to use the computer or the phone -- communicate for a few days and I am lifted by your kind words.
I agree that a change has occurred and it caused my isolation.
I apologize for "freaking out." I can give you the step by step analysis of this particular character flaw... but suffice it to say that i am aware of it. I know I harm people. I harm myself every time. No joke. I'm sorry - so so sorry for everyone.
That being said, I no longer "hate" myself for having an "unusual" character flaw. I might even go so far as to say that I've found peace in it. I see and hear other people so much better now. I see other people and their flaws. i have begun loving them and begun loving mine. It may seem weird, but that's the Wryd of My Life. My temper is socially unacceptable. i accept that. These "flaws" often make me lonely and afraid (which perhaps adds to the problem) but I'm throwing love energy at it.
You use the word, "wounded." I am not and never have been wounded by the Church. I ain't THAT old! I escaped my home every Sunday and went to church. It was a refuge for me. I just became cynical and too right-brained and went from agnostic to atheist in no time. I was a terrible atheist, btw, as most artists are...
I will go back and hang with the old crones at the Rosary Society. I love the Catholic Church. It made me pagan. OBM is my main goddess. She has helped me and warmed me. She is my main Goddess. I spent ten + years calling myself an atheist, but she never left my side.
Odin is my Lord. He came to America disguised as a "tradition." I love HIM!
Jesus, in my mind, is the first personal god to approach me. Alone. I don't believe he will be the last. I have to laugh that he asked me to help his public image when I can't maintain my own! Perhaps I should just do as I'm bloody told already. Maybe I'm being punished for stalling.
I don't believe in one strict pantheon. I believe everything mutates and changes as human-god connections change.
I believe I am wounded by family. And not just in this life. I believe my ancestors are very active in my life (they are on my back!) I assume I will be introduced to the pre-Christians gods some day. When i am ready.
You have taught me so much, I don't know how to thank you. I won't be joining a "christian" church any time soon! hhaha! Although I like Easter Services in protestant churches and I respect most.
Tell Bella that I respect her temper as I respect mine. I pray she moves forward in peace and pride. Peace and pride, for all of us.
If you could tell everyone that had to witness my panic attack that I am sorry and to go in peace and pride. Hey! i like that. Just an apology. Tell everyone that I don't expect anything. I know my behavior was off the charts. I am not asking for forgiveness. I only need to forgive myself.
peace out and may your tree blossom.
I'm quite drained right now--had two Tarot gigs two nights in a row, plus working all day at the day job yesterday, and really need to go pull me back together before heading out into the Supportive Friend world this evening, which is bound to be much delight and debauchery. :)
Anyway, at the conclusion of my goddaughters' Wiccaning, there was an incident involving a volatile tantrum by one of our members that ended with me turning to the HP and our other Group members and declaring, "She's done. She doesn't come back." A week ago, I would have told you that sort of declaration is WRONG and dismissal of a member involves a consensus and much discussion. But no one argued with me or asked me to take time to reconsider. In fact, one person present said later she was glad there was no discussion on it. The tantrum was of a nature that was frightening to people present, and it wasn't the first time it had erupted from this individual.
The first time I dismissed someone, I wrote a stern and rather harsh letter which I imagine truly hurt her to read. At the time, it seemed right. At this time, I know my words came from a place of hurt and anger. In this most recent dismissal, I worked harder to use gentler words. The point of the action was the most important--not "how" it was done.
Sometimes, we get so hung up on making our point, saying the words we believe others deserve, that we don't ever just get the fucking job done. The Gods have often told me, "Keep your rituals simple. Stick to the point. Get it done. And...have fun." There isn't a whole lot of fun to be had in a dismissal, but instead of ranting over the reasons as to WHY this person needed to go, I simply tried to stick to the point of THAT she needed to. Here's what I wrote, followed by what I got back:
Hi F,
It truly was an unfortunate end to what otherwise was a beautiful weekend. You made an excellent representation of Ghob and I was thankful to have you along. Perhaps you are right and physical handicaps were not given sufficient consideration when planning our trip back. If it indeed would have been easier for you to take Metro-North back from New Haven, we certainly would have made that happen. I clearly did not adequately communicate the group's travel plans upon getting back to New York. I did not ask Birdie to drop me off, I was planning on riding back with her to Jersey City and then taking the trains back to my place, but she offered to stop by Inwood as it's relatively on the way to the Holland Tunnel from Spanish Harlem--a quick stop off the Harlem River Drive. Perhaps we should have had a meeting before hitting the road to make sure all needs were met. There are numerous ways this could have been handled differently.
I'm sorry you feel as though this Group has a dictator and that you do not feel comfortable responding to it. I think, however, there is a bigger movement going on here than simply a disagreement about who should have driven where. Many of these kinds of situations are brought about when a change needs to be made.
I've reflected on this quite deeply and I'm wondering if this all came about because your true Pantheon--Jesus, the Blessed Mother and the Holy Spirit--may be calling you home. I am aware of your wounded past with the Church, but the situation on Monday may have been an abrupt signal that perhaps it is time to re-establish your relationship with your Gods. Novices of the Old Ways was designed with the intent of helping people find their true path in life. I strongly encourage you to reflect on the reason this situation arose and see if perhaps you agree with me in my assessment. It may merely be a sign that your soul belongs on a different path. I think it's time you "went home." :)
You have been a marvelous contribution to our Group during your practice with us. Most certainly, Ghob selected you to be His vessel at the Wiccaning. No one there could have disagreed with that. Now, I'm encouraging you to take what you've learned from us and forge your new path.
I've spoken with Hank in superficial detail about this and he asked me to let you know that he would be more than happy to help find you an open-minded Christian fellowship in New York City--one that could help you not only forge your relationship with Jesus and Mary again, but also heal the wounds you've suffered from your past dealings with the Church hierarchy. He is expecting your email.
I also invite you to call upon me one-on-one to discuss your spiritual needs as they arise. I love you very much and want you to heal and embrace the all the light this beautiful world has to offer. You are a talented, bright and extremely special person whom I am privileged to know.
May the Gods and your Ancestors shine brightly on your path, so no shadows augment your way. :)
Blessed be,
Courtney
(From F)
I wanted to apologize on Tuesday.
Thank you.
I have been unable to use the computer or the phone -- communicate for a few days and I am lifted by your kind words.
I agree that a change has occurred and it caused my isolation.
I apologize for "freaking out." I can give you the step by step analysis of this particular character flaw... but suffice it to say that i am aware of it. I know I harm people. I harm myself every time. No joke. I'm sorry - so so sorry for everyone.
That being said, I no longer "hate" myself for having an "unusual" character flaw. I might even go so far as to say that I've found peace in it. I see and hear other people so much better now. I see other people and their flaws. i have begun loving them and begun loving mine. It may seem weird, but that's the Wryd of My Life. My temper is socially unacceptable. i accept that. These "flaws" often make me lonely and afraid (which perhaps adds to the problem) but I'm throwing love energy at it.
You use the word, "wounded." I am not and never have been wounded by the Church. I ain't THAT old! I escaped my home every Sunday and went to church. It was a refuge for me. I just became cynical and too right-brained and went from agnostic to atheist in no time. I was a terrible atheist, btw, as most artists are...
I will go back and hang with the old crones at the Rosary Society. I love the Catholic Church. It made me pagan. OBM is my main goddess. She has helped me and warmed me. She is my main Goddess. I spent ten + years calling myself an atheist, but she never left my side.
Odin is my Lord. He came to America disguised as a "tradition." I love HIM!
Jesus, in my mind, is the first personal god to approach me. Alone. I don't believe he will be the last. I have to laugh that he asked me to help his public image when I can't maintain my own! Perhaps I should just do as I'm bloody told already. Maybe I'm being punished for stalling.
I don't believe in one strict pantheon. I believe everything mutates and changes as human-god connections change.
I believe I am wounded by family. And not just in this life. I believe my ancestors are very active in my life (they are on my back!) I assume I will be introduced to the pre-Christians gods some day. When i am ready.
You have taught me so much, I don't know how to thank you. I won't be joining a "christian" church any time soon! hhaha! Although I like Easter Services in protestant churches and I respect most.
Tell Bella that I respect her temper as I respect mine. I pray she moves forward in peace and pride. Peace and pride, for all of us.
If you could tell everyone that had to witness my panic attack that I am sorry and to go in peace and pride. Hey! i like that. Just an apology. Tell everyone that I don't expect anything. I know my behavior was off the charts. I am not asking for forgiveness. I only need to forgive myself.
peace out and may your tree blossom.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Lotsa stuff....
My goddaughters were Wiccaned last weekend, and I have to say goodbye to a member, which is rather sad, but necessary, I guess. I will fill all in when I've enough mental fortitude to process all the information. Initiation brings change, even in the mildest attempts at it.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Goddess give me patience...
...so that I don't kill anyone today. And by "kill," I mean, "chew the head off." And by "Chew the Head off" I mean "Lose my fucking cool." I say this so no one comes and arrests me thinking that I'm actually contemplating murder--because I'm not. Although the stakes certainly get set high sometimes.
I dreamed last night the Tarot deck was finished and came to my house in neat little boxes. That was a good dream.
I dreamed last night the Tarot deck was finished and came to my house in neat little boxes. That was a good dream.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Today, I am in an online magazine!
I read my friend Rev's Tarot and she documented it for Time Out New York! Check me out HERE!!! I'm in photo #7.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Crashed Orientation at Seminary Today.
It's okay. The Admissions Counselor invited me.
There was free food and I sat with three very nice people, two of whom are starting Seminary this fall. One girl was from UCC. The other girl was a Spiritualist, and had even gone to that crazy town in Florida, full of mediums. I liked both of them, a lot.
I'm going to apply. But right now, I'm going back to work. I'm swamped.
There was free food and I sat with three very nice people, two of whom are starting Seminary this fall. One girl was from UCC. The other girl was a Spiritualist, and had even gone to that crazy town in Florida, full of mediums. I liked both of them, a lot.
I'm going to apply. But right now, I'm going back to work. I'm swamped.
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