Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Subway Spells and Fuckwads

Yesterday, I rode the subway downtown.

The subway lends itself to underworld experience because it IS the underworld. It's underground. But this experience wasn't so much underworldly as it was defensive.

Somewhere between Times Square and 34th street, a douchebag boarded the train. This one had a Bible in his hand and announced to the car, "ALL GAYS WILL BURN IN HELL!"

I'm not gay. But I was definitely burning. If I were stupidly brave enough, I would have called him out. But I'm intelligently cowardly. You never know what kind of weapons a douchebag will carry.

The Douche went on and on. He was "eloquent", so to speak, in that he was able to deliver a sentence from beginning, middle, and end in a loud and clear voice.

I got mad. I invoked Brid. "Brid, this asshat is hurting your children with hurtful words in a confined space." I began chanting a little spell to make him silent. I wanted him to get a coughing fit and stop speaking all together. I really wanted him to leave the train. He didn't do any of those, but as I continued chanting, I envisioned a steel spike through his tongue and superglue to seal his mouth. "Seal his lips and seal his tongue," I chanted. The chanting increased in intensity until I was rocking in my seat, my crown chakra buzzing.

He didn't stop speaking, but he lost all eloquence. Instead of finishing full sentences laced with hate, he began stuttering. "So...let me tell you about gays....in the bible...I mean...in the BIBLE...it says that gays are.....well....let me just tell you about GAYS."

But he was suddenly unable to say shitty things about gays.

Yay!!!

So there, Mr. Hating Douchebag! You mess with lots of juju when you say shitty things.

And for the rest of you Witches out there, invoke your powers to stop hate and irritations wherever they are. Maybe this will work for public masturbaters, too.

2 comments:

KniteGoddess said...

As I said previously, I love this post. It is better that he started stumbling over his words, showing himself to the subway car to be the ridiculous spectacle that he was, instead of him making his point with finesse and exiting the car, leaving people to think about his stupidity in a meaningful context that it wasn't worthy of.

Richard Abbot said...

Magic(k) in action. I will attempt similar on the London Underground.